i will get by
:::
i will survive

he will love me. hold me. charish me. fight for me. laugh with me. romance me. be taken back by me. he'll hurt for me. die for me. laugh at me. his love will over power everything. his thought's will be tranquile. his memories will be only me. when i'm down, he'll be there to bring me up. he'll listen. he'll help. he's smart. he's funny. he likes my friends. i like his friends. everyone get's along. he smokes. he has style. he makes love to me. he'll take me places. he'll let me take him places. he will understand. work through problems. he'll need me. i will heal him. i am a goddess in his eyes. he wants to be one with me. he puts me first. he cares about my feelings. he'll give me my space and he'll be argessive when needed. he won't make me cry tears of sarrow, but instead tears of pleasure. he will make me smile... he will make me happy... he will be mine.....

someday.

i can not be honest.
not even with myself.
i hurt, i feel pain, i am suffering.
i must be brutaly honest.

i sit alone and think
i feel, that no one truley understands me
not so much ME, but what i am going through
the pain, stress, torture that i am feeling.
everything hit me out of the blue. 
when i least expected it.
while, i never wanted it.
i don't understand why... me.

why? what did i do?
what didn't i do?
what happened?
what went wrong?

these questions plus more
keep me running, pacing... realizing..
i've been let down too much now.
and it's starting to hurt more than ever. 

****

but then i stop. and i know i can hold my head up.
i know i can do it. 
i know that i can be strong, and eventually
nothing can bring me down.
it can only trip me and injure me for a while
eventually my injury just turns to a scar
and i have the memories left.
nothing else.

no more pain, no more tears.
no more hurt.

****

but at the same time everything feels.
stuck.
no better way to say it.
i feel trapt. 
in this small dark hole,
never ending
i keep falling,
faster and faster...
but i never reach the end. there is no end.
it's a never ending process.
and then when i think i see some light..
the smallest hope of a way out.
my dreams get shattered and it becomes clear
that it's nothing more than a mirage.
but yet again, my world is crushed.


....

there is the one light that shines through all the darkness
it alone, helps me. breaks me through.
stops the pain. stops the tears.
the light alone, makes me feel hope and happieness.
i get the sensation of escape.
like there is a meaning to it all.
i break down so the light can help guide me.
this light.... the only thing i need.
this light,
stay with me. never leave.
don't hurt me. don't mistreat me.
keep me by your side. 
together.. the light and darkness...
become one.

last night was fun.

got to relax after work.

my goodnight was great :o)



...things are getting better.

[	i'm feELing:	|	stuck	]
[	i'M liSteniNg tO:	|	eagles- in the city	]

i feel like leaving...

somewhere beautiful
with new people

i want to go to that city.

explore it.
find myself. 
search for new meanings
start new beginnings


wouldn't that be beautiful...

[

i'm feELing:

|

blah

]

unloved for sure.

[	Tags	|	l	]
[	i'm feELing:	|	excited	]

looks like i'll be going to HOUSTON ON JUNE 16 to see SKINNY PUPPY!!! 
@ warehouse live. AHHH 
hopefully i can bunch together a little SP group and we'll all be down. 
so far.......i'm alone.

[

i'm feELing:

|

sad

]

goddamnit, i'm not even going to lie.
i'm fucking sad. sad as hell.
i'm lonley. i want someone to love me.
really love me. 
i want to feel the way love is supposed to make you feel
i want someone to want me 
i want someone to crave me

...looks like i'll never get my prince.
he'll never come and rescue me
maybe one day...
maybe we need to meet...
maybe we've met..
i don't know. 


i'm sad.

and.
they have been answered.



or....

is it...

so i think?

[	i'm feELing:	|	confused	]
[	i'M liSteniNg tO:	|	steely dan- reeling in the years	]

officially.

i'm dead.

what is left? nothing.
what should i do? i don't know.

i can not explain it...but i'll try:


i feel left in this world of complication
filled with misleading thoughts and 
suspicious acts. 
would anyone ever really care?
can anyone even see? 

honestly, it doesn't matter.
if no one can see, then they don't know. 
my heart is filled with lonlieness... my eyes ache for the sight i long to see
but when my dream is there. in front of me.
what do i do? stumble over it. 

i need to come to my senses. 
i know i can't take in a part that isn't willing to be taken
or is it willing? i have no idea.
like i said, it's so damn complicated for me.









i have this urge to say what is on my mind. but something is holding me back. something is telling me
don't let your feelings be known. because then they'll just get crushed,
stomped on, and left behind to rot.
maybe not.
but that's what happened before. now i'm left to feel the aches and pains.
and it sucks. horribly. sometimes i feel like i can't take it
but then i realize. i can. i've been great so far. 
so why can't i just get what i want? life isn't fair.
DUH! 

but i know what i want
and what i want,
i can't get.

...will i ever??

[	i'm feELing:	|	sleepy	]
[	i'M liSteniNg tO:	|	peter frampton- show me the way	]

A situation can turn quite magical if we surrender to the unknown, 
but it can be complicated if we attempt to ignore what is really happening.


..part of my overview for today..

as i take things day by day
i realize the intensity of my feelings
whether its strong affection or an abundance of lust
it's taken it's toll. and now i am left to shred the pieces of it.
keep it? or lose it? 
which to do?
???





....don't leave me lingering in the dark.

[	i'm feELing:	|	confused & anxious	]
[	i'M liSteniNg tO:	|	queen- we will rock you/we are the champions	]

So with all that i know..
i still can't distract myself.
nothing wrong with that..
but it sucks for me.

i'm left in this state of confusion
with no knowledge of what i should do

2 different choices
2 different situations
2 different outcomes
can i do this?
yes

i must.

but the reaction is what's lingering
i have no clue as to what to say
or how to say it.

it must be done.
by the end of this week.

it must.

i can't let myself wait any longer
i've waited too long
and like the fortune cookie said:
there is no harm in asking an honest question.
and there isn't. 
as long as i don't act on impulse. 
i haven't so far....